Love does exist. It's so present that just hearing the word, hurts. I said what I said because my heart was broken. Because I had doubts.
I love him. I thought I was confused and that I was confusing friendship with love. I was shattered and aching.
We stopped talking a while because he said he needed time for himself. I gave it to him. I told him I wouldn't talk to him if he didn't do it first. I fulfilled that promise, I did not speak to him. But the truth is that I held my phone in my hands with the temptation to call or waiting for him to talk to me. And he did, several times, only a few, but he did. It took so long between everytime we talked that I just moved on and tried to get over him because I lost hope of speaking to him ever again. It took a lot to overcome. A lot. Too much. I was locked up in the dark in my room for nearly two months, drowning in tears, shivering with cold and despair, holding out the desire to end my life, with no contact with anyone, only with music. In those two months I got over him slowly, but every time he got in touch with me, I would feel as bad as I did at the beginning. It was a vicious circle. I would drown, I would weep, then gradually overcome him, and then he would talk to me and everything would start again. I missed him. I missed those laughs thogether, the way he stared at me, the way he made me feel special and unique. I missed him so much I didn't even want to see him.
Finally, one day I got over him before we spoke again. But -there is always a but-, one day did not just talk. He asked me to meet because he wanted to see me. We did. Everything was going well so far, he was still overcomed. But gradually as our conversations progressed, I noticed those stares he used to look at me with before. This mesmerizing gaze that says it all and yet says nothing. That look that you don't know whether he's in love or lost. Or if you're the one who is lost in them. That look was the cause of my downfall. All my feelings came back afloat. I wanted to kiss him, hug him and never let go. But I couldn't. We tried once and it didn't work out. We went to his house and we kept talking and talking. And somehow the "relationship without commitment" thing emerged. I was weak, so I accepted. From that moment on, we were friends with benefits. I locked my feelings in a box and hid it very deep in my heart so that he wouldn't know anything about them. The idea of "just sex" killed me. But I stayed strictly on that line just to be with him. Stupid, I know. But I could not help it.
Days went by, we met each other regularly to talk, to see our favorite series and whatever came up. One night, we slept together. Damn, what a night. And I'm not refering to sex, but what happened next. Although it was something that friends with benefits don't usually do, we slept cuddled. Sometimes I hugged him hiding my face in his neck, or he hugged me wrapping his warm arms around me and crossing his fingers with mine. I did not feel so good as in that moment for a long time... I felt good, protected, unique, his. But at the same time it was killing me because we were nothing. More days went by and more loving gestures he had. He kissed me in a sweeter way, he kissed my forehead and nose, if we layed down to watch the series, he would hug me and hold my hand, he would call me in the morning to wake me up... And one day a word escaped from his mouth and killed me; "sweetie". He accidentally called me sweetie! There were many things that showed me several posibilities that he had feelings for me again, or still, if he never stopped having feelings for me.
Tonight we finally have been honest with each other and we have told each other how we feel. Obviously, with the conversation it became clear that the "friends with benefits" thing came to an end. Because that requires no feelings and we feel too much. Tomorrow, Sunday, we era going to meet in person to keep talking.
We shall see what happens...
