I lied when I denyed love (27/4/14)

Love does exist. It's so present that just hearing the word, hurts. I said what I said because my heart was broken. Because I had doubts.  
I love him. I thought I was confused and that I was confusing friendship with love. I was shattered and aching.

We stopped talking a while because he said he needed time for himself. I gave it to him. I told him I wouldn't talk to him if he didn't do it first. I fulfilled that promise, I did not speak to him. But the truth is that I held my phone in my hands with the temptation to call or waiting for him to talk to me. And he did, several times, only a few, but he did. It took so long between everytime we talked that I just moved on and tried to get over him because I lost hope of speaking to him ever again. It took a lot to overcome. A lot. Too much. I was locked up in the dark in my room for nearly two months, drowning in tears, shivering with cold and despair, holding out the desire to end my life, with no contact with anyone, only with music. In those two months I got over him slowly, but every time he got in touch with me, I would feel as bad as I did at the beginning. It was a vicious circle. I would drown, I would weep, then gradually overcome him, and then he would talk to me and everything would start again. I missed him. I missed those laughs thogether, the way he stared at me, the way he made me feel special and unique. I missed him so much I didn't even want to see him.

Finally, one day I got over him before we spoke again. But -there is always a but-, one day did not just talk. He asked me to meet because he wanted to see me. We did. Everything was going well so far, he was still overcomed. But gradually as our conversations progressed, I noticed those stares he used to look at me with before. This mesmerizing gaze that says it all and yet says nothing. That look that you don't know whether he's in love or lost. Or if you're the one who is lost in them. That look was the cause of my downfall. All my feelings came back afloat. I wanted to kiss him, hug him and never let go. But I couldn't. We tried once and it didn't work out. We went to his house and we kept talking and talking. And somehow the "relationship without commitment" thing emerged. I was weak, so I accepted. From that moment on, we were friends with benefits. I locked my feelings in a box and hid it very deep in my heart so that he wouldn't know anything about them. The idea of ​​"just sex" killed me. But I stayed strictly on that line just to be with him. Stupid, I know. But I could not help it.
 
Days went by, we met each other regularly to talk, to see our favorite series and whatever came up. One night, we slept together. Damn, what a night. And I'm not refering to sex, but what happened next. Although it was something that friends with benefits don't usually do, we slept cuddled. Sometimes I hugged him hiding my face in his neck, or he hugged me wrapping his warm arms around me and crossing his fingers with mine. I did not feel so good as in that moment for a long time... I felt good, protected, unique, his. But at the same time it was killing me because we were nothing. More days went by and more loving gestures he had. He kissed me in a sweeter way, he kissed my forehead and nose, if we layed down to watch the series, he would hug me and hold my hand, he would call me in the morning to wake me up... And one day a word escaped from his mouth and killed me; "sweetie". He accidentally called me sweetie! There were many things that showed me several posibilities that he had feelings for me again, or still, if he never stopped having feelings for me.

Tonight we finally have been honest with each other and we have told each other how we feel. Obviously, with the conversation it became clear that the "friends with benefits" thing came to an end. Because that requires no feelings and we feel too much. Tomorrow, Sunday, we era going to meet in person to keep talking.
 
We shall see what happens...

I think love doesn't exist.

I don't believe in love. Love doesn't exist. Anyone who has studied just a bit of biology knows that. Love is a trick so that we can just let go ourselves. Love is created by our brains, by our limbic system (the limbic system makes us want to repeat something when we try it and enjoy it, for example chocolate. Another example would be sex), Love is a lie made for our specie to endure. It's a tale made to name somehow the intercourse between two individuals and whatever comes because of it. Don't be fools. When you think you love, you actually don't. You want to believe you do so that way you can have a romantic movie like life. But you'll only have children, mortgages, work, baby cries at night, really little sex, depression, extra weight. Just the opposite of what you're dreaming of now.

But maybe I'm saying all of this because I've had my heart broken too many times and I just want to stop living in a fairytale. Or maybe because I'm not meant to be a princess in any tale.

"The Worst Type Of Crying"

The worst type of crying is the silent one.
The one when everyone is asleep.
The one you feel in your throat.
The one that makes your eyes blurry from the tears that don't fall.
The one where you just want to scream.
The one that makes you sob.
The one where you have to hold your breath and hold your stomach to keep quiet.
The one where you can't breathe anymore and you feel a pressure in your chest.
The one that makes you shiver.
The one when you realize the person that meant the most to you, is gone.
The one that makes you realize your alone, by yourself.

"Please, no more"

Has your body ever said to you "Please, no more"? At least it has to me. And sometimes not only just told me; sometimes shouted and begged. There have been times when I have felt so much pain that my body could not take it. I have come to mourn so much that my body could not go at my pace, it would run out of tears. I have been hours without speaking  because of that pain caused by a scream of impotence I had to endure. I've come to notice my body absence from the cold I've come to feel thanks to this damn loneliness. I have come to feel so much chest pain caused by a broken heart, that I thought it was my end.
I cannot remember the countless times I've locked myself in my room getting into my bed full of moments that will not be repeated, holding those sobs that would invade me slowly. Wiping every tear that would come out of my sore and dry eyes. And most of the times, because of thinking too much. Because I would just drown myself in the wrong memories. Those memories that slowly make their way into my mind to call up that they're still there. To mess things up whenever they have the chance to. Those memories are intertwined to other memories to make you feel even worse, as if the first ones were not enough. Stupid memories, they are so fucking treacherous. When you live those memories you feel happy. But you are so ignorant that while you're living them, you don't realise that they'll never take place again. You'll never feel for anyone else the same you felt for that individual. You'll never feel his touch, his kisses or his delicate bites between kisses ever again. You will never see him smile. And if you see him do so, you'll know that you will no longer be the reason of it. Memories are there to remind you what you will never have or feel again. And yet you let a stupid little smile appear from your lips, because after all, they are happy memories.
But after that tiny goofy grin, you can't help it and you just slowly break into tears that start making your vision blurry. Your body needs a little release and it tries to convince you to scream. But because you don't want anyone to know you're weak, you don't even let the tiniest sound come out your mouth. Because it's easier to hide the sorrow instead of letting anyone know. Gradually you cannot stop whining and feeling like you have trouble with breathing normally. And that's when your body can't take it anymore. Neither do you. So now, helpless, you wheep loudly.

The Biggest Lie Ever

"I'm sorry"

"I'm Sorry." 
So short and sometimes so hard to say. It is for that reason, for it's difficulty, most of the times we don't say it when we're supposed to. So I decided to apologize myself for some things.

I'm sorry for those times that I haven't apologized. I'm sorry for those times I have forced someone who cares about me to do something they don't want to. I'm sorry for being so ignorant. I'm sorry for being so annoying. I'm sorry for being so stupid. I'm sorry for being so selfish sometimes. But most of all, I'm truly sorry for not knowing when to stop.

Soul Mate

"If a couple doesn't argue, it is because there is no love." 

I never thought I would ever see so many lies in just one sentence. If it's the right person, that soul mate, the right person, there should be no reasons to argue. Some silly little fights may happen but not an argument.
That sentence is an excuse used by the vast majority of people to believe that their arguments with their couples are normal, that it is just part of their daily life. An excuse to believe that the "love" they feel is true. And it may be true, but it is not healthy.
Sometimes we should stop and think and say to ourselves: "I love this person that I am with. But is it worthy to argue so much? Is it worthy to suffer this much so that he (or she) can be happy?" It may sound selfish; it's true that to get to happiness, we have to suffer before. And that sometimes we have to do some sacrifices to see that person we care so much about, happy. But everything has a limit.